Uwe Boll's ruined franchises:

House of the Dead (2003)
Alone in the Dark (2005)

Uwe Boll's future ruined franchises:

Bloodrayne (2005) (post-production)
Hunter: The Reckoning (2006) (pre-production)
Far Cry (2006) (announced)



Paul W.S. Anderson's ruined franchises:

Mortal Kombat (1995)
Resident Evil (2002)
Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)
AVP: Alien Vs. Predator (2004)

Future:

Resident Evil: Afterlife (2006)


Aku's favorite quote straight from the asshole's mouth:

"Don't get me started on Citizen Kane. It took me five sittings to get through that so-called classic. It's all talk, talk, talk. When you sit down to a Paul W.S. Anderson film, I guarantee you will not be bored like that." - Paul W.S. Anderson



Stop seeing bad movies from these fucking loser director/writers. Stop letting them make mediocre shit out of existing stories and characters people enjoy. Why must horror be turned into laughable action? It doesn't, stop.

Hey, Mortal Kombat wasn't that bad. The only movie based on a video game that didn't totally suck.

Ok, not oscar material, but then I find lots of oscar winning movies boring at best.

Boy, do I agree with you Aku.

When me, my boss, and some other co-workers previewed Alone in the Dark, it pretty much turned into a MST3K episode. That movie was absolutely horrible. No plot, most of the action sucked, and why are you gonna have a sex scene in an R-rated movie with no boobs?

Yeah, I've pretty much dissuaded every customer that tried to buy a ticket for that trashed to go see Hide and Seek instead.

I couldn't agree more.



Well, is the sex scene with Tara Reid? Cause, if it is, then that's probably why there aren't boobs. She has ugly ass boobs from shitty boob jobs.

A very good point to be made, and thanks for making it Aku. After seeing any of the previously mentioned movies, I felt like doing something more enjoyable, like driving nails into my feet and then trying to jump. Well, I'll be honest, I did dig Mortal Kombat, the first one.

WHEN I WAS 12!

Yeah, I'm looking forward to no good movies from those two wastes of biological processes that are passing themselves off as "directors." Shit, give me the money they've used to make that many bad movies and I could make you twice as many entertaining ones that were actually worth a damn. Maybe I should pitch this idea to the movie studios that have lost money on their crap...

I guess Uwe Boll wanted to make a Half Life 2 (or Counterstrike) movie, and Valve told him to piss off. They're so awesome.

I'm glad they did. I probably wouldn't have given a shit about a CounterStrike movie... but... a Half Life movie? Oooh, I already have a hate for that bastard fucking up Resident Evil, I'd hate to have to Car-Bomb him because he just ass-raped the story of my favorite videogame.

I dunno, I think a Half Life (Particularly HalfLife 2) movie could be pretty cool. But, yeah, not by him.

half life would make a cool movie as long as they didn't change the plot(it has a plot!??!?!?!), which they seem to love to do(see thread on doom movie)

I'm not putting that much grief on Paul Anderson for AvP. He even told everyone in a press conference that fox fucked him over by making him dumb down the movie to pg-13, and to keep an eye out for the director's cut on DVD.

Yeah, it was Reid... But still....

I so want to believe this, I really do. But I have a feeling the scene he cut out was probably a baby alien doing the hat and cane tap dance from Spaceballs.

"Hello my baby, hello my darlin.."

I hate him soooo much

This was always a PG-13 movie, that is the trend in horror. I wouldn't be surprised if the Evil Dead remake shoots for a PG-13 (though I WOULD kill someone). PG-13 horror and action movies have more of an audience than any with an R rating. They make more money, anyway. And regardless of how much gore or sex or 'bad' language Anderson puts in AvP, it's still a fucking shitty looking movie with a horrible ass plot. Unless every decent plot point that was filmed was revealed during some sort of ritualistic rape, they weren't all cut.

This man is just a bad writer and a horrible director who somehow managed to get the best of both worlds with shitty number 1 summer blockbusters (looking good to the company) and always has the excuse of having to work for those big companies in the current climate of the industry when the fans are upset.

PG-13 trend in horror, yes. Aliens? No. Same with Predator. I'm at least giving it some smidgen of a benefit of the doubt this time around, even though I'm still marred from RE:A

Maybe it is just me.. But when I was a kid all of the horror movies were "R" rated.. and if it was cool we went to it anyway.

Now since I was raised on true "R" rated horror movies I can't stand the drivel that they are trying to pass off as horror lately. It seems like everyone is going for the new cool cinematic camera work crap and forgetting the plot, suspense, nudity and action that enhances the story.

House of the Dead- Is on my all time shittiest movies ever list.. and I watch some really shitty movies on purpose. The action scene in the film, where the "heroes" are storming the hut of zombies, looked like they took single frames of film, shuffled them and then spliced it together. At that point I wished I was epileptic so I could have a seizure and get something meaningful out of it. It had great potential to be a good suspense horror. It was too damn campy and the director tried to impress us too much with nifty camera tricks. It failed.

Resident Evil- They took a great suspense video game and killed it. All of the things that I liked about the game, Shock horror, atmosphere, Feeling of not knowing what was going on, were all missing. They gave away the whole movie at the begining then just made it a standard "Escape the Maze" movie. I loved the fact that the bulk of the game for me was finding my way out of the house. This was covered in the first 15 minutes. When I played the game I was scared to go around corners and open doors. This Craptastic movie made me want the heroes to die and put me out of my misery.

Resident Evil 2: A love story- What was this crap? This movie had no redeeming qualities. The obnoxious black guy, Monster fighting with his humanity, apathetic heroine, and the I wanna be male so bad it hurts female thug, it just makes me wanna hurl. I can't even enjoy the Milla nudity due to the giganormous nipples she is sporting. All the semi cool parts were covered in the trailer. Should have saved my money.

AVP: Alien Vs. Predator- Not a bad movie, which means not a good one either. It came across that the producer couldn't fathom the challenge of keeping track of numerous people. Solution Kill them all off in quick rapid succession until you have a number you can remember, 2. I felt that they didn't have enough humans, or predators. I didn't get the large "Assault on Helms Deep" battles between the species that I was promised. They killed off all the extras to save budget for the "Escape the Maze" Plot that seems to be standard for these two fucksticks. And in the end what do I get? A cross species love story and the promise for more movie torture.

Maybe my standards are too high.. But I can honestly say that I go in with my expectations set by the trailer. If you are going to spend more time editing and producting the trailer than you do the movie.. I get pissed and feel cheated.

Well have you seen some of the movies from your youth recently? Some of them really are crap, there were so many things just wrong with them but they were cool characters so they lived on.

.. Yes, the alien and predator movies were all R-rated, but Alien vs. Predator was PG-13 BECAUSE OF THE CURRENT TREND. This guy makes strictly action flicks, and he can't get more than a hoo-hum response. That's just horribly sad.

The only recent movie to have been screwed slightly by a reduced rating is Dare-Devil. Still not great, but the R-rated director's cut is a hell of a lot better than what was in theaters.

True but what they did do was set a great atmosphere.

Good example is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The original, dark brooding, Leather face was soo apathetic to the teenagers that it scared the crap out of you. To him they were just another animal to be slaughtered for food. You cared about the kids and empathized with them due to the bad guys lack of empathy.

The remake they tried to hard to explain motives. I hated the teenagers. I didn't care if they died. The atmosphere was too strained. The teenagers were too easily manipulated. I spent more time telling myself that they needed to grown a pair. It was soo bad I stopped caring for them. If I was going to die or felt like I was going to die I would start fighting. The teanagers in the first film got over the shock of "what the fuck?" and started to fight. In the remake it was just, duh... you want to kick the crap out of me and hang me on a hook? Ok I'll stand here and let you do it.


The directors in the newer movies just don't show any depth in the characters. No reason for me to care for their well being or safety. I cannot empathize with the characters which makes it every hard to suspend disbelief. On top of the fact that I cannot empathize with the BBEG (big bad evil guy) either and you get a very bland movie. Good movies just like video games are not how good the graphics are.. is it how good the story line is. How much you can draw the audience into the movie and have them empathize with any character. Once that happens you can scare the shit out of them because they have placed themselves in the characters shoes. They see what the characters sees.

This is why Resident Evil was a great console game. You played and started to put yourself in Alice's shoes. You felt her tension, pain, anger and fear. You can feel this due to the presentation and atmosphere.

In the movie the directors job is to make that same atmosphere. He failed. So you fail to empathize and fail to put yourself in the agent's shoes. You fail to suspend disbelief and when that happens you just watch and laugh.

A good example of this is one of my favorite movies "The sixth sense" The director did a good job of having you empathize. You wanted to help the little boy. So when he was scared so were you. You cared for his well being. You felt the atmosphere and for me that enchanced the scare.

The fact that these guys either don't give a shit or are catering to the Hollywood big wigs still doesn't change the fact that these movies just plain suck.

see, i like anderson's movies. i enjoyed them alot. not in the way they're supposed to be enjoyed, but still. he is always a source of good laughable entertainment.

See, you like bad movies.




Uwe Boll: "So, I am making a film, which is also a movie, in which I will direct and also tell the actors what to do. It'll have a lot of rocking action and active rocking."

Interviewer: "And how will it do that?"

UB: "By sucking."

Int: ...

UB: "Also by being so awful it pulls the life from you which then falls into your theatre nacho cheese dip. The cheese dip will star in my next film, Shinobi, which takes place on an alien moon."

The problem is I like bad movies as well.

I really enjoy watching B"direct to DVD" movies. I have this inner asshole that thinks, Here is a person that has been trying and trying to scrap up money or convice some dumbass that he has a great movie idea. Then after he has spent all of this time and effort, he finds actors that he can afford, special effects that he can make fit his budget. He then has to shoot the film, edit, and overlay sound. All this effort all that time. this is the results of this mans dream... and look at how
poorly he accomplished his dream.

Like I said "I'm an asshole"

But these films fall into a different catagory. This is a person who has no talent. No commitment to the story. You have a whole production team, a big budget and due to the complete lack of skills they torture you. It is people who have no business making this type of film being hired by corporate America to direct.

Another Film that sticks out in my head and was one of the biggest dissappointments for me. The D&D movie. Here was a film that had a HUGE fuckin potential and who do they get to write and direct. People who had never played the game. Anyone who has played D&D walked out of that movie saying "What the fuck was that hunk of shit"

It is the same for these two fuck stick directors. They have not kept to the feeling or atmosphere that was laid down before them. You can watch these movies if you have never read or played these games and enjoy the film, but if you have you have played or watched or know anything about the subject you ask yourself "What the fuck was that hunk of shit"

By themselves they can be average to sub-average films. But they have a history inthe topic and that is what causes the problem. They suck because of the lack of vision and consistancy these directors bring to the table.

I completely agree and am the same way with B movies.

i will your penguin ass apart, aku. pshhh.
corny movies are amazing. my favorite that you listed was definately mortal kombat. watch it again and tell me if you don't laugh your ass off.

http://www.uweboll.com/

Haxxored. lol.

hahahahahah


EDIT:

I was reading a review of Alone in the Dark and the reviewer said something beautiful:

"Uwe Boll has surpassed the “it’s so bad it’s fun” and created a whole new genre called “an old lady fell and I’m going to laugh at her”. "

Yorick that site if fuckin awesome

i love movies that replace plot and deep characters with special effects -_-

Yorick: Where'd you find that? I mean did you just type in the name, or were you told somehow?

My roommate sent me the link, someone had posted it on a set of forums that he visits.

Don't they get their license removed after making such bad movies. Wait, they don't have licenses.

WELL THEY SHOULD! That guy couldn't direct or write an old man getting out of a tub correctly.

You can consider it a challenge Uwe Boll.

I have to ask: What did you expect? Yes, they're horrible directors who shouldn't even be allowed to watch movies, nevermind create them. But they weren't exactly working with masterpiece scripts, either. Resident Evil? Mortal Kombat? House of the Dead?

There aren't many directors who could have salvaged much from video games about killing zombies or beating the hell out of each other. Other than to load them up with special effects and hope to catch the interest of 13 year olds who aren't looking for anything deeper than "something's head exploding".

Don't get me wrong, if you let me choose between an acid enema or watching all these movies, I'd have to consider each option for a long time before coming to a decision. And that is the fault of these awful, awful men. But I can't think of a director that could have done much justice to Mortal Kombat.

M Night Shymasomething: Turns out that Goro is a a ghost that can be killed by water.
Wes Craven: Still bad, but there would have been a hell of a lot more gore.
Jerry Bruckheimer: Almost as horrible, but with a lot more explosions.
Tim Burton: Johnny Depp stars as poor, misunderstood Scorpion, who just wants to be normal, not reviled for his freakish hand that occasionally shoots a spear through someone's chest. It'd be a real tear-jerker.
Steven Spielberg: Liu Kang is trapped behind enemy lines, so a bunch of fighters must band together and then all die to save his sorry ass so he can cry over their graves.
Stanley Kubrick: Lordy, I don't even want to imagine how odd this one would turn out.

Some of the movies might have been salvagable if done right, honestly. Sure House of the Dead had no premise to make a movie out of. Mortal Kombat almost as little, but enough to create a few wisps. Resident Evil always had enough story that it could have made a pretty good movie with good writing and direction.

Though the thought of having Kubrick direct a version of Mortal Kombat just makes me giggle incessantly. That would have been the most screwed up and entertaining movie anyone would ever see. Not sure if it would be good, just highly entertaining.

This Loserz comic says it all
Loserz comic

MOD EDIT: caffeineavatar, the image was slightly large, so for the 56k'ers, I made it a link.