did you hear about the short-lived TV show all about shoes?



it had a sole episode

one bad pun deserves another!!

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.

After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.

The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

*snicker* I think Sam's was better. I had to think about it for a second.

But gylbert, yours was pretty funny, too.

puns? OH MAN! *evil grin*


why was the mushroom invited to all the parties? he was a "fungi" (fun-guy)
what do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? "Notcho cheese!" (Nacho cheese)
The cosmetic student was sick on the day of the final exam. Now she has to take a Make Up exam
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.


my dad was a very "Punny" guy.....

Have you heard about the cannibal who where late for dinner and got a cold shoulder?? =D

Oh dear...just read this one and had to share:

"The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work."

A man drowned recently. Water way to go

This one is a bit long but its a real groaner!!


Sam Clam and Louise Lobster had been best friends since they were children. They remained best friends until they were old. One day Sam Clam died leaving Louise in distress. Louise died soon after.

When Louise the lobster approached the Pearly Gates he asked St. Peter of his friend Sam Clam. St. Peter informed Louise that Sam did not go to heaven, he went to hell.

Louise the Lobster, though incredibly sad, decided to enter the Pearly Gates and into heaven. St. Peter informed him that heaven had a dress code. The Saint gave Louise a robe, a halo, and a harp. Louise entered heaven.

After many years in heaven, Louise started to miss his best friend. He went to St. Peter and asked him if we would be allowed to enter hell and visit Sam. Peter told him that he would be able to under certain conditions. He told Louise that in order to return to Heaven, he would have to come back with his Robe, Halo, and Harp.

Accepting the terms for re-entry, Louise went down to Hell to visit Sam. To his surprise, Sam Clam was running a disco for all the demon's in hell. So Louise went into the disco and met up with his friend.

The two caught up on old times. Louise told Sam about heaven, and Sam told Louise about Hell. After hours of chit-chat, Louise told Sam that he had to return to heaven and said goodbye to his friend.

When Louise got back to the Pearly Gates, he met St. Peter. St. Peter asked him if he was done visiting hell. Louise said, "yes". St. Peter asked if Louise remembered his robe. Louise said, "yes". St. Peter asked him if he remembered his Halo. Louise said "yes". St. Peter asked him if he had his Harp.

Louise looked distraught and told St. Peter, "I left my harp in Sam Clams Disco!"

heh, took me a sec to figure that one out

Why are powerful cars so expensive?
Because torque aint cheap.

a couple of short ones!

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Ohboyohboy...

A tomato family was walking down the street, father Tomato, mother Tomato and little Tomato.
Little Tomato was lagging, so his father turned around and stomped him. Then he said 'Catch up!' (ketchup)

I went to work the other day, and complained to a coworker my head hurts.
The coworker said: 'That's OK, I know what it feels like.' So I said 'Oh really?'
'Yeah sure', the coworker replied. 'Your head hurts me too!'

A horse entered the bar. The bartender said 'Hey what's up, why the long face?'

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. They both get pissed. The giraffe falls over. The man goes to leave and the bartender says, "Oi. You can't leave that lyin' there." And the man says, "No. It's not a lion. It's a giraffe."

A Baby seal walks into a club...

A white horse wakes up in the morning, and it felt like Dawn. But he was wrong, it was Susan.

She asked the white horse, "How was it?" The white horse shrugged and said "Pffffh!"

On the other side of the bed was another horse, fast asleep. He'd obviously had a night mare.

The curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.

On the bedside table was a sleeping tablet, so he woke it up and took it.

With nothing else to do, the white horse got up and went out. At 8pm he walked into a bar. "Ow!" he said, took one step to the left and walked through the doorway.

He went to the barkeep, who looked at him and said "Why the long face?".

The barkeep then said to the white horse, "I used to work in a pub named ofter you." The white horse said "What, Kevin?"

The barkeep asked, "What'll it be?". The white horse called Kevin said "A bloody miracle if I ever get anything to drink."

The barkeep took offense to this, and told the white horse called Kevin "I don't like your tone! You're banned!" The white horse looked at him and said, "But I don't play any instruments."

The barkeep said, "You have to leave this pub!" White horse Kevin replied, "I wasn't going to take it anywhere!"

Suddenly the Bouncer walked over and glared at the white horse Kevin. "Hey, weren't you in here causing trouble the other night? I think it was you - your pace is familiar, but I don't remember your mane...."

Kevin the white horse said "Neigh!" but the barkeep didn't believe him, saying "It had to be, this is a one-horse town!"

Reasling that he had been caught out, Kevin made a bolt for door. He then slammed the bolt home, and ran off into the night before anyone could chase him.

...I could probably go on like this forever, given half the chance

*hands Illusionist a 1/4 chance*
what an you do with that

Here's half the chance.

There are three kinds of people in the world, those that can count and those that can't.

The market has given rise to some of the following thoughts and tips on .com oddities:
The price of oil is slipping.
Glue is sticking.
Silver is flat. (you may want to fork et about this)
Banks have gone down the river.
Gold is brilliant, as are diamonds.
Invest accordingly!

For a fencer to admit that he's been foiled is a hard thing touche.

Upon hearing the CEO of Krispy Creme Donuts was stepping down, someone exclaimed, "I love those donuts! How could anyone leave a job like that?"
I replied, "Perhaps there was a hole in his life that a donut couldn't fill."

No, no, there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't

My alltime favourite!

No no NO. There's ten people in the world, those who understand binary and annoy you with it, and nine others who simply don't care. But it takes at least a four bit universe.
...and yes, I can count to 31 on one hand. Much to the pain of the other nine people.

nice

The constipated mathematician finally managed to work it out with a pencil.

I have a bad pun. What did the astronaut say about his mission in outerspace. It was out of this world.

What do you call it when a navy man is accepted into the priesthood in a ceremony at the bottom of the sea, but he does so against the orders of his commanding officer?

In-sub ordination

A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.
He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.
After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.
He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.
During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain." His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"
To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red...knows rain dear!"

I think you broke several fuses in my brain, Sam

Bravo!!

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end. Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear. So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought, ... it was nothing but a catastrophe. (pronounced Cat's ass trophy)

Well, I was hanging doors all weekend, but I wasn't too happy about it. I mean, I don't really agree with capital punishment for doors and all, but the case was solid, and everything the defense put up was just hollow. At one point they had the jury sitting on pins when they tried to prove that they had been framed, but they couldn't find they key that the argument revolved around. It seemed like it could swing either way at that point, until the defense got screwed by security tapes and nailed by a witness. In the end, he tried to bolt, but was locked down by the officers at the back of the room. They left the floor open for any other witnesses, but a second witness closed it up. I don't know how his family was able to handle the news.

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said if would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee.
"I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

So a pirate walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender looks at him, and notices that he has a steering wheel attached to his crotch, so he asks him about it. The pirate replies:" 'Arr, I know, it's drivin' me nuts."

A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"
And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"