BEHOLD! THUS SAYETH YOUR LORD MOD THAT YE SHALL ENJOYETH THE SUPER-POST OF MORE THAN A WEEK'S FRUIT OF JOKES, AND YEA, IT SHALL BE PLEASANT TO THE TOUCH AND WONDERFUL TO ALL SENSES, AND IT SHALL BE GOOD.


A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he's on ecstasy!"

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A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

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Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a babys. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter.

Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest
being like a baby.

"Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby"

"It is," he said, "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

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A young, promising medical student decides to specialize in sexual disorders and goes to visit a facility which has just accepted him as an intern. One of the resident physicians takes him on a tour of the hospital.

All of a sudden, they pass a booth with a young man there masturbating furiously. The intern turning to his superior asks about the man's problem.

The resident responds, "Oh, that man has an enormously over-active sex drive and has to have twenty orgasms a day or he becomes seriously ill."

They move on through the hospital and eventually come upon another man in a booth with his pants down around his ankles and a beautiful blonde nurse on her knees in front of him lustily servicing him.

The intern inquiring to this man's trouble, the resident replies, "Same problem, better health plan."

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

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There was a guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs 6 miles everyday.

One morning, looking in his mirror, he noticed he was sun-tanned all over...with the exception of his penis...which he readily decided to do something about.

He went to the beach completely undressed and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out.

Two little old ladies were strolling on the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing this penis sticking out of the sand she began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to her friend she said, "there really is no justice in the world." Her friend asked, "What do you mean?" The cane pusher said while pointing
to the tanning penis...

"When I was 20...I was curious.
When I was 30...I enjoyed it.
When I was 40...I asked for it.
When I was 50...I paid for it.
When I was 60...I prayed for it.
When I was 70...I forgot about it.

And now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild and I'm too damn old to squat!!!"

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Mr. Harris had a new secretary who was such a pretty young thing and so eager to please that he decided to "work late" and to take her to dinner tonight. So he called up his wife to tell her he would be late and she replied, "No problem."

So Mr. Harris treated his secretary to dinner at a fancy restaurant where they had one drink too many. After dinner with her, it was obvious that Mr. Harris would get lucky tonight when the girl asked him to take her home. When they got to the secretary's home, they did the wild thing for over two hours. When it was over, Mr. Harris went to the bathroom to freshen up and get ready to go home. Looking into the mirror, he noticed that he had a huge hickey on his neck. He had no idea what he was going to tell his wife and fell into a state of panic. But he had no choice but to go home and face the music as it was getting quite late.

Putting his key into the lock, he heard his dog come barking and scratching at the door. He thought, "Aha! I got an idea." He entered the house, fell on the carpet and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck in one hand, he walked into the bedroom and exclaimed, "Honey! Look what the dog did to my neck!"

Mrs. Harris looked up, ripped open her bathrobe and said, "That's nothing. Look what he did to my tits!"

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A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without
a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry...we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

It WAS good. Thanks TMFT, these are awesome.

Frikin' Aweso as always man!

MJ

nice ones!

Wow. I've only actually ever heard of one of these. And they're all hilarious. That almost never happens.

Last one always get me...

Nice. I particularily like hte first one.

I beleive I posted joke 2 though, and that it was a smash hit way back when I posted it.

first and last are great

all awesome... but why has this entire forum gone silence since TMFT announced the dis-off? it's kinda creepy to see Mageta's post come up as most recent for the second day in a row now... - Bunny