This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."

Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"

John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"

John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His ass."

Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."

Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"

Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."

John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."

Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"

Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."

Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"

John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."

Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"

Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you."

Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"

John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."

Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"

John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."

Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"

Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."

Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"

John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"

Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."

John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit out of you."

Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."

Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."

Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"

John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."

Me: "Who's Karl?"

Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."

Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to
kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"

John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the Desk of Karl
1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6.The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."

Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."

Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."

John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."

Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"

Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."

Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"

Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."

Me: "How do you figure that?"

Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"

Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."

John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."

Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."

John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."

Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."

Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."

Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."

John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"

Me: "We do?"

Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."

Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"

John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."

Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"

Mary: She blushes.

John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."

Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"

John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."

Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"

Mary: She looks positively stricken.

John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"

Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"

Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."

John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."

Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."

Mary: She faints.

John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

I don't get it Explain please.

Dear lord I can't believe I've forgotten this joke. Completely hillarious.

But if we explained it Giant, it wouldn't be as funny!

Fine, fine. The joke is a (not so) subtle poke at religion. Christianity in particular. Catholicism even more specifically, though any religion that dictates rules of behavior strictly will do.

Just think of Hank as God, Karl as the church or the priests, and Karl's list as the Bible and it should make sense at least.

Now that I've killed the joke: next!

I don't get it even after the explaination (and I used to think I have a sense of humour)

I guess not

Just plug in!

Basically if you see John and Mary (notice the names) as catholics and Hank as god. They're asking the person to "kiss Hank's ass", or worship God, and you'll get a million dollars (good things will happen). This is all based on a list (Bible) that appears to have been written by karl (church), but everyone believes it just because in the "list" "Hank" says he dictated it. Just take it from there and look at what everyone is saying.

"Leaving town" = dying. Her mom died and "probably" went to heaven though she'll never know.

I didn't quite get the weiner part myself, i'm wondering if condiments are meant to be like...


Eh, I don't know.

Funny joke though.

You're kidding me, right? Weiner and bun, no condiments.

How obvious does the dick joke have to be? Wiener and bun - i.e. heterosexual unprotected married sex only. No bun = masturbation. Though a chopped up wiener could be interpreted any way you want it. Insert proper blowjob and biting down joke here.

As for condiments... hey there's flavored condoms.

Nice man... Just nice. Two thumbs up.

When taken to be representative, it's pretty funny.

...Literally, it's pretty stupid, though.

http://www.starcantdead.com/sketches/kissinghanksass.html

If you want to see the videoclip, long download though

Don't worry it wasn't that funny in the first place. It's not a great joke and it's a crude satire at best.

Sorry guess thia one wasn't for me.

I think the codiments are supposed to represent the condoms themselves. Christianity pretty much prohibits any form of birth control.

Guess it's far more amusing to those like myself that have faith, but an extremely cynical outlook on organized religion.

After all... it's not christianity that prohibits all those things... it's the churches that decide to make up the rules and/or interpret a book literally that was written thousands of years ago without taking the culture it was written for in context. But I'll shut up now before I start a flamewar in here I suppose. (Though I'd probably find it hard to find someone who takes religion literally in here.)

Now that it's all been explained, I actually find the whole script hilarious. I imagine John and Mary popping blood vessels trying real hard to convince someone to join them...

Plus I never really appreciated "organized" religion. I think it's almost synonymous to "organized" crime.

I really like it. I think it's awesome. I like these kind of jokes.

hey i really like this.. very funny this is my first time seeing it thanks to whoever put it up..

ONE QUESTION THOUGH.. at the end of the movie clip (several reply posts up) the guy has a laptop with "Hank's Desktop" labelled on it. Explain??

Could mean nothing.

Maybe the dude in the apartment was the real 'Hank' though. Maybe it's the creators of the videos trying to symbolize that god is trying to tell intolerant morons to not take religion so seriously, and trying to tell people that the churches don't know what God really wants.

Then again, maybe it means nothing. Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, a penis is just a penis, and moronic fundamentalists are just moronic fundamentalists.

He IS Hank that John and Mary are talking about, I guess thats why he sort of chuckled at the end.

Whatever the message behind that is, interpret it for yourself.

Then that means this thing is suggesting that God exists???

(gasp!) what